Yesterday, I was staring into my pantry at about ¼ of a bag of potatoes that needs to be used soon and I was hit by a childhood memory. One of my best friends was a girl who lived, as we used to say, out in the country. I loved visiting her house and farm, but one visit in particular sticks in my mind. It was her birthday and I had been invited to spend the night for a celebration.
Visiting my friend’s house was always a little like visiting a foreign country to me, but that night in particular was even more different. In my house birthdays always meant the birthday girl got to choose the restaurant. At my friend’s house, her Mother was cooking her favorite meal - cheeseburgers and home made fries. The act of watching her Mom cut up potatoes (real potatoes, not even a frozen bag!) was fascinating to me. Meals at my house primarily came from bags and boxes, or restaurants. Fries came from McDonalds. I don’t think I had ever before even realized that a person could “make” their own fries. That night we had the birthday meal, including a cake baked by Mom, sang the birthday song, my friend opened her presents and we did the dishes together. It really was a fun time.
In reflection, I think that our family view my friend’s family was probably a little “poor.” Mom and Dad never really said as much to me, but that sort of idea was always in the background. My friend’s family didn’t seem to go on vacations much, my friend dressed in respectable but lower priced clothes, and when our sixteenth birthdays hit she didn’t have a car.
But, when high school graduation time came, my friend was one of the few in our class with the parents who paid her tuition in full. This was, at the time, a rather shocking bit of events. I can remember even my parents talking about it and wondering in hushed tones: “How on earth can they afford that?” I remember my Father speculating that maybe they had received an inheritance or something. But, in fact, my friend’s family sent five children through college and as far as I know, paid the bills for all of them.
The rest of us kids obsessed over student loans and trying to find grants or scholarships.
There were many times over the years when I kind of envied my friend. She did after all live at a place where there were always baby animals around and her Dad would happily let any visiting child feed, water, and pet to her heart’s content. But, in between those bursts of envy, I always had this naïve sense that my family was better ….. because my parents bought things. We had video games, meals out, junk food bursting from the cabinets and I had a TV AND a phone in my bedroom. We had three cars, including one that was primarily used to drive me the ONE mile and back to school everyday.
I sadly have to admit that it took me a long, long time until I realized the true cost of all those “things” that are now likely buried thousands of feet deep in a landfill. Those things were not only likely the college funds of me and my sisters, they were also my parents’ retirement. Sadly, like many people, I spent several years emulating the financial habits of my parents until I gradually began to get the idea …. Our family was succeeding on the earning end of the equation, but our money was not going toward what truly matters the most in our lives.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time recently speaking about our money. We are in a fortunate position to have it, and really have quite a bit of it. Like most, we have plenty of dreams and hopes. But at the same time I have over the recent months become quite in tune with the need to make sure my money goes not toward what is easy, not toward what is convenient, and maybe not even toward what everybody else spends their money on …… but instead on what is going to make my husband and I, and all the people we love, the happiest.
A Tale of Two Girls
February 6th, 2013 at 05:02 pm
February 6th, 2013 at 05:13 pm 1360170780
February 6th, 2013 at 05:26 pm 1360171606
He wasn't able to pay my way through college, but mainly because I chose the most expensive college in the country! (Whoops.) But he did pay a fair portion of it, and helped me defer and pay student loans until I was stable enough to take them on myself. He also would occasionally do other things that gave me an inkling we were much more financially comfortable than appearances let on (such as buying me a $600 camcorder for a spring break trip that he also paid for). These moments were rare, so I appreciated them deeply and remember them vividly to this day.
I want my kids to experience similar things, except I plan on having much more frank discussions about finances, so they know what is and isn't important, and how we make some choices so they can have security in other areas.
February 6th, 2013 at 05:28 pm 1360171714
February 6th, 2013 at 05:36 pm 1360172217
February 6th, 2013 at 05:55 pm 1360173328
February 6th, 2013 at 07:30 pm 1360179052
I identify with Ceejay and CB. I also think my parents were a lot more poor early on, and so always felt poor. Always hand-me-downs, never vacationed, oldest cars, yadda yadda. IF we wanted *anything,* we worked for it. I don't think I have been unemployed since age 13 or 14? In my young 20s my parents were able to do a lot more, maybe especially since we did not go any expensive college route. They bought me a beautiful used upright piano, and we did some traveling (DC, Europe, Asia). It was such a 180 from my youth. I've also always very easily embraced my frugality and upbringing (from age 20+ anyway) because I could clearly see the long-term benefits. I am quite sure I was not thrilled as a child, especially when it felt like money was no object to all my friends when it came to college. But time has shown a different perspective. I now realized I am blessed my parents did not go bankrupt spoiling me, and that neither of our parents will *ever* rely on us financially. In this day and age, seems to be a rare blessing.
February 6th, 2013 at 07:43 pm 1360179816
February 6th, 2013 at 11:25 pm 1360193138
February 11th, 2013 at 10:43 pm 1360622629